First Lesson from My First Therapy Session

Therapy was something that I always envisioned for myself, whether that was in 2014 wishing I could desperately talk to someone, or in 2019 when I was at my mental rock bottom. I remember sitting in my first studio apartment about 9 years ago, crying my eyes out and signing up for BetterHelp on my cell phone. But once that therapist texted me, I discontinued my account. I couldn't bring myself to actually talk to someone about my thoughts because I genuinely believed that my problems weren't actual problems. I was usually told that I was just "needy" or "too demanding." I felt embarrassed and ashamed to even be reaching out to a stranger for problems that didn't seem realistic.

Now, if we fast-forward in time...I realized I needed to revisit my mental state from 9 years prior to move forward in life. It wasn't until I had my first panic attack before confessing to my current partner how messed up my thought patterns are. Just the thought of having to verbalize my inner saboteur made me hyperventilate and sob on my bathroom floor. I experienced so much trauma that shaped my thoughts about myself in my late teens and early twenties...but I just continued to bury it deeper and deeper, and year after year, until I became those thoughts: an insecure, people-pleasing, co-dependent person.

It was ugly. I felt ugly. I still feel ugly at times. But I've learned A LOT since I started therapy. At the time of my panic attack, I just knew I needed to do something. I had to change how I thought; otherwise, it would only get worse. I finally followed through with my BetterHelp account and set up my first therapy appointment.

I was so scared...of the judgment, the criticism, the amount of work I would need to do. Everything about therapy freaked me out because it meant having to share my secrets, bare my soul, and be real for what felt like the first time in my life. I connected with my therapist via video call, and right after she introduced herself, she asked me: "If I asked you to carry 10 pounds of bricks, what would you say to me?"

I responded, "Uh, yeah, sure. Where are we going?"

She said, "You don't even know me, but you're already agreeing?"

"Um...yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

Then, she gave me the real deal: "You know your response isn't normal or healthy, right?"

My therapist had to explain to me that she was a complete stranger who is asking me to give up a lot of time and effort for a task that had no purpose but to hurt me. Yet, without any hesitation or questions about where I'm carrying the bricks or for how long, I automatically agreed. I even admitted that I was already strategizing how I was going to hold the bricks or use specific bags to carry them on my back and shoulders. I figured if she was my therapist, I should be able to trust her intentions with this impossible task, so I tried to rationalize it because I knew I could do it. More importantly, I felt like I was going to prove how strong I was to her.

But, that's when I realized that my thought patterns ran deep.

It was scary how my response to prove myself by taking on the impossible was so automatic. It was even scarier how I immediately put my own needs on the back burner for a complete stranger.

Everyone has an inner voice in their head. Whether you call it your conscience or your inner thoughts or your mental saboteur or your hype person, there is a voice that you acknowledge. That voice in my head is strong; there's no doubt about that. That's the voice that I always claimed to be strong, independent, and confident because that voice told me that I could do ANYTHING.

But that voice also led me into precarious situations...like carrying 10 pounds of bricks for a complete stranger...and staying in an emotionally abusive relationship for too long...and being the most loyal friend to people who only ask me for favors...and saying yes to any task thrown my way at multiple jobs even if I didn't get paid or treated fairly. That voice told me that I could do anything at the expense of my own self, safety, health, and sanity. I thought that doing those things and coming out successful was such a flex. I considered putting everyone before me such a flex. Like, damn, I really can do anything and I'm selfless!

But, doing the most at my own expense is not a flex. Never has been. Never will be.

Since that therapy session, I had to reevaluate how I prioritize myself in my relationships and overall life. Turns out, even though I have a strong inner voice, I'm last on my own priority list. It wasn't surprising, considering all the situations I've found myself in. Either way, my first therapy session allowed me to see how detrimental I was to myself for so long and prompted me to recognize when I'm being detrimental to myself. That way, I can stop myself before I cause more harm to myself.

So, if you're considering therapy, do it. You're thinking about starting therapy for a reason. But maybe you're where I was 9 years ago, crying on your studio apartment floor, not ready for anyone to see you at your absolute worst. I understand. If I could talk to 21-year-old Kira and reassure her of anything, it's that therapy will just help you see yourself from an outside perspective to evaluate your choices, behaviors, and well-being. I would tell her to take that leap of faith and let those burdening thoughts out to someone whose job is to professionally listen and help her learn ways to cope and be a better version of herself.